There is a rumor that Ostriches stick their heads in the sand when they see trouble coming and I swear there are days that I think I am an Ostrich according to that rumor.
Someone asked me the other day how my Mom was doing and I found myself saying “stable” as if that was a be all – end all kind of answer. They nodded their head as if they understood exactly what “stable” meant even though I knew they really didn’t have a clue as to what that entailed. So, even though I really wanted to say “stable” and leave it at that (Can’t you just picture me being an Ostrich sticking my head in the sand right about now?) I felt like I needed to go into an explanation of what that meant…….”She’s on medication. It will hold her at this level of memory loss as long as it can, hopefully long term, but eventually it will not work any more and then we will be on to a new phase in the journey. For right now we are still dealing with the current memory loss and trying to live as if it isn’t a life changing issue”.
Sounds pretty straight forward and sensible right? However, it nowhere near describes the complex layers of emotion tied to that by now rote statement. I realized even before I starting speaking that “stable” was a defense mechanism I was employing to avoid the emotion of the situation but its a crappy defense if you still feel guilty about not keeping people informed when they care enough to show an interest. The truth is that its really nice to know my mom is loved by my friends too. It’s nice to know they care about how I’m coping with the situation but some days when those words, “How is your mom doing?” leaves someone’s lips and reaches my ears its like my Ostrich “trouble radar” goes off and my brain processes the words as “emotional hellhole directly ahead…avoid…avoid….avoid!” and the overly simplified, unemotional answer that pops out of my mouth before my head goes diving into the sand is “stable”.
That being said, my mom IS stable and things are great in comparison to what others are experiencing in this process with their own families and I’m truly grateful for that so if you happen to ask me how my mom is doing and I smile and say stable, please know its the absolute truth and if I don’t happen to elaborate or I don’t elaborate much beyond that just know its not personal…I just might be avoiding emotional hellholes that day.
Lost In Thought 